It has been what feels like a millennia since I’ve written on this blog. Yikes.
A friend reached out to me this past week asking me if I was alright, and wanted to know if I was no longer blogging/vlogging, etc..I assured her that I indeed, WAS still doing it, but once again was put on a hiatus for one reason or another. 2020 hasn’t necessarily been unkind, however, it HAS been challenging to say the least. So that my readers understand the impact change has on my life personally, I will give you a brief description of these last 10 months.
Depression, Anxiety and Adapting to Significant Change. 2020 in a nutshell, folks.
If anything, that probably is the theme to most people for this year. Between the pandemic and getting laid off for almost 3 months, my son graduated from High School, when I was finally BACK to work, I was out for over a week from a virus (Thank the Lord it wasn’t COVID.) I’ve also endured some other physical, mental and emotional changes that come with a woman my age, oh, and due to some serious financial distress, I almost lost my house, and many relationships within my inner circle.
Yet, I would not surrender. My Dad (whom I proudly call Papa or Daddy still at 46 years old), once told me that one of my best traits as a person was that I refused to give up in the face of adversity. Truth be told, I thought I was going to give him a run for his money this year, because for the first time in my life, I actually THOUGHT about giving up. I’m not going to go into detail about that, but when life continues to hammer you down into the ground to the point you no longer can breathe, let alone see the light, one would want to succumb to the darkness too.
I did not falter, however. I kept my eyes on the prize, which was my Heavenly reward. I talked to God EVERY DAY. Sometimes, I felt that He was the ONLY one I was talking to. When I get depressed or severely anxious, I tend to retreat, or even hibernate. A personal dark space where my mind, body and soul can commune with the unknown, I wanted nothing to do with the world around me or its inhabitants. I craved being alone. The only time I felt happy was with my church community. And even that was a challenge, as it was months before I started even being physically around them because of this blasted pandemic.
I wanted desperately to fit in somewhere yet be by myself, which seems almost a paradox, but I was willing to do anything to make it work.
Did it work?
OF COURSE NOT!
I invested into things that I found I couldn’t keep up with, and those who I thought were supporting me were really just another facade into trying to fit into something. As soon as I removed the investment, they removed their support. Such is life in this day and age. It stung for about 10 minutes, but then I moved on, as I knew deep in my heart there was something out there for me.
During a much needed Come to Jesus talk with my parents several weeks ago, my Mama told me something, or more or less reminded me, how being a dreamer isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If you don’t have a balance of reality with your dreams, they will never come true. And for most of my life, that’s all I did. Dream. It’s one of my favorite pastimes. I LOVE to dream. Dream about what’s to come, dream about what I could have done better, and through all that I forgot how to live. I was always in the future or the past, because being in the present was always so uncomfortable. I’m sure that sentence resonates with many people. Right now, LIFE itself is extremely uncomfortable. Whether it’s political or civil unrest, religious adversity, financial distress, our world seems to be crumbling all around us. And as long as we keep thinking that way, it will continue to crumble.
But my mentors, Ace and Rich Guzman, said something to me the night before that gave me the gut punch back to reality:
“When there’s going to be a breakdown, there’s a breakthrough…”
Welcome back, Bridget.
Since my breakdown back in Mid-September, things changed drastically. When I decided to live in my uncomfortableness, change started to happen. My house became abuzz with wanting to do better. My familial relationships were healing, positive things like getting a new job that will have me work from home came, my husband got a new car. My son was getting more work as a video editor. Things have started to pick up. The anxiety is full on, and I SO want to retreat into my dreams right now and plan for things coming up, but I know that is NOT where I am needed right now. Right now, I need to save my dreams for sleeping. Right now, I’m DOING.
I hate it. I truly do. It’s hard. It’s uncomfortable. It’s humbling. But it’s necessary. I can no longer be complacent in life if even so much as ONE thing is out of place.
I long for a simple, slow life. Full of coziness, cottagecore/hygge living, with all the trimmings. The good Lord in Heaven has shown me exactly what I HAVE to do to achieve that.
And so, as I sit here, typing this out, I have much to do. I will be leaving my beloved Book Store job effective November 11th, taking the rest of the week to prepare my new office space for my new job that starts on the 16th. I’m devastated to say the least about leaving the book store, but they are going to keep me on as a per diem employee, so I can at least still be a part of the family that I have come to know and love as my own. I’m going back to a company I was once with, one that I loved just as much, and look forward to making new memories. All while being exactly where I WANT to be: HOME. I think my puppy Linus is going to be thrilled over this, when he sees Mommy isn’t going to be leaving every day.
This will give me even more of a chance to continue building my Personal Brand, The Homesteading Hobbit, with the help of my mentors, Ace and Rich. I have so many people supporting me, within my family, friends, coworkers, and community. I am richer than I think. Money is definitely important in this day and age, and in order for me to succeed in this world, I’m going to need to make it, and make a lot of it. But without the beacons in my life that is this circle around me, I would have continued to live in the darkness.
And it’s time for me to shine, ya’ll.
Be Blessed and Shalom,