Have you ever woken up in the morning and realized that the person inside of you is shifting?
That the things you thought about not even a week before no longer are a priority? And that the things you never thought of, or never would have considered, have proven to come front and center?
I honestly don’t know if I should be sick over this or excited. All I know is that there is a feeling of anticipation inside of me, and I’m struggling to understand the whys.
I want so much to embrace all the aspects of myself, but I also know that whenever I try to do that, it’s like having too many hands in the kitchen. I get overwhelmed, anxious and then I lose all motivation because of it. I am the kind of person who needs to focus her energies one thing at a time. If I do anymore of that, I freak out and then nothing gets done. It’s a crappy way to live.
I wish I could explain it more than I have, but it’s just….well, all I know is that I feel I’m changing again. I’ve never been someone who was afraid of change, but when it comes to changing within, it scares the ever-living out of me.
Okay, so what’s up? Well, the first thing I noticed is probably the biggest. As many people know, I was so happy that this past Winter I did not have the crippling depression I have had in years past. Now, although I was taking tons of supplements this time around to counter the depression, I felt the winter was a big win in my eyes, as many years in the past, I have fought these dark moments through hours of crying, staring, sleeping and all around just feeling sad. Yet, I did not have this this past winter.
Then Spring came.
And I wasn’t as excited as I had been since I was a little girl. I planted my usual things and lost a lot of plants from a small heatwave that hit. The issue was, I had not an ounce of desire to replant. Nope. Not one fleeting emotion of anticipation and happiness I had always had before when gardening.
Here’s where it gets weird: I found myself getting moody when it would go over 75 degrees! Usually, this is when my mood goes UP! Instead, it’s going down. Why?
It seems, I am I transitioning from Spring and Summer to Autumn and Winter. It just doesn’t make sense!
Either way, this feeling of change has inspired me to start painting again. And right now, I feel this calling to get to the mountains. Where I live is in the suburbs of Philadelphia, PA. And as much as I love where I live, the calling to want to go to the mountains has been getting stronger each day.
Last year, I went to visit some sisters in faith up in the Poconos region. And the moment I came out of the tunnel into the Lehigh Valley area, I felt like my heart was going to explode. I cherished the drive I took that day, and felt a deep sadness when I drove home. Not that I was sad to go home to my family, but leaving an area I have been feeling the call to go towards. It felt…right.
I want to go to a place where there are mountains and streams, forests and woods full of birch trees. Where campfires are a daily thing, and not a seasonal one. Where you can close your eyes and all you hear are the sounds that God Himself created. To breathe air so clear you forget what it means to have sinus issues. To look up at night and see right through the firmament and into the heavens. Where you can wade through a spring instead of taking a shower just because you can.
Why after 47 years am I not only wanting this change, but actually craving it? Does this happen to many people? Is it just women? Is it the age?
It’s not like I no longer enjoy Spring and Summer anymore. I still feel that quickening in my belly between March and April when life returns to my area, but it wasn’t as strong as the quickening in my belly for Autumn right now. At least not lately.
Funny, I say all this, but my idea of snowstorm after snowstorm is still not pleasing, However, all I know when it comes to winter is winter in the suburbs. Winter in the suburbs is not like Winter in the mountains.
Winter in the suburbs is messy. People are so anxious whenever we get a snowstorm, because they don’t like to be without their vehicles. So, diesel plow trucks filled with salt and sand go up and down the streets, salting every nook and cranny so that every person in the town can get out and continue with their day. Last Winter I questioned whether or not God created Winter for the purpose of souls to stop and rest. I know not every place on Earth gets Winter, but I do believe He places souls in certain areas of the world who need to learn a specific thing. For years I wondered why God put me in Pennsylvania, a temperate climate where the Summers can be sweltering and the Winters can be debilitating. At one point in my life, I started researching places where the weather everyday is Spring-like. I got as far as Portugal and stopped my research, as my chances of moving my whole life to Portugal because I don’t like Winter were slim, if not non-existent.
All I know is that change is coming. And I’m totally embracing it.
I think I may have told you long ago about my Ancestry. I am 46% Scottish, 40% Irish and 14% Scandinavian.
All of this points to one thing: North.
I am a Northern girl. I was born in the North, raised in the North. And although for many years my mind and body were longing for something warmer, something Southern, something less in your face. I wanted to go to a place where sweaters and woolen socks were not welcome, where everywhere I turned was green.
And yet, I never left. I stayed right here in the North. In 2020, I believe our Lord showed me why He never wanted me to leave. My soul, the very essence of me, Bridget, was forever tied to the Northern climate. He made me remember my poetry from 10-15 years ago, which was mainly about Icebergs, Heaven and the Northern Lights. I’ll admit, I think of the Northern Lights and like to think that it’s the aura of Heaven itself. And since my faith has changed and I’ve come back to Christ, I honestly want to be as close to Him as possible. Why would I want to leave?
No doubt, I want out of the suburbs. I have two more years to think about this. Two more years to plan this.
The stress of where I live, how I live, is causing me to stay sick. To be unhealthy. I never truly understood the power of being in an environment that could make or break you.
The Scot in me wants the heather and the mountains. The Irish in me wants the green hills and valleys.The Scandinavian in me wants clean, fresh air and forests and woodlands.
Last year I learned my soul wants to follow a life of seasons. All of them. Not just the best ones. Not just the pretty ones.
And I know just the place to get all of this. Right here in my home state of Pennsylvania.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me the Way.